


Aka Idiots Attempt Feelings C+

by Incrediblyshittywriter



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Alternate Universe, Cute, Dave is a unapologetic idiot, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't count this as angst but angst I guess?, Karkat Vantas - Freeform, Karkat worries too much, M/M, One Shot, Past Child Abuse, Real Life, Short & Sweet, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Yes I'm aware it's june, also kinktober scares me, dave strider - Freeform, mushy hugs, nevermind this is fine cooked angst, sad cowboy emoji, warning: katy perry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24520777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Incrediblyshittywriter/pseuds/Incrediblyshittywriter
Summary: Your name is Karkat Vantas and you just witnessed your boyfriend bleed out on the floor in front of you.The asshole has the audacity to laugh about it.Would you believe me if I told you this was just an excuse to make Gordan Ramsey lore?I’m also posting this as a grand fuck you to my insecure brain.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51





	Aka Idiots Attempt Feelings C+

You’re in the middle of assfuck nowhere in a white room that smells like childhood trauma and disinfectant.  
It's Tuesday morning, and you, Karkat Vantas, professional human trauma expert, are to put it lightly, losing your fucking shit.

“Shit are you the guardian angel sent from heaven to watch over me? Cuz if you are you’re cute as shit.”

“Shut up Dave, I’m waiting for Dave to wake up from a coma,” You yell back before you do a double-take.

“WAIT, DAVE?!”

You launch yourself at him on his hospital bed which in hindsight was probably a terrible thing to do. Dave lets out an oof and pushes you off clearly in pain like his whole body is a porcelain vase and you’re the asshole kid who just pushed it off the counter. “Love you too babe, but ouch giving me a bit too much love there Vantas.”

“Fuck you, Dave. I thought you were dead!”  
You look at him and he smiles which doesn’t help the tears at your eyes. You can’t forget how terrified and angry you felt and how you still feel scared even now.

He looks at you with his red eyes and his face now slightly covered with a red bandage. “Karkat shhh, you worry too much. Nobody can get rid of me, that would be like if Gordan Ramsey got rid of culinary shit or if Estelle went to Ohio instead of New York, or maybe if Will Smith didn’t go to Belair. Fuck, I’m getting emotional now too.” He starts laughing and looks at you.

“Who the FUCK is Gordan Ramsey, and why does that matter as much as you nearly dying?” You shout at him. You’re too emotionally exhausted for his games. He always does this. He always makes himself seem less than he actually is.

Dave’s still smiling and it’s infuriating. This is why you don’t date Dave fucking Strider. “Well, clearly there’s a problem if you don’t know who our Lord and savior Gordan Ramsey is. Legend has it he parted the clouds and said let there be light and then there fucking was light. He went back in time just to invent agriculture so he could teach American families how to cook turkey on Thanksgiving day and none of the American kids ever cried again because they watched his cooking tutorial and went shit that’s pretty simple too, wonder if my mom will cook some of this fine ass cuisine. Got the whole family together praying on their knees saying hallelujah to a dead turkey. And you wonder why he didn’t run for president. I would have kissed the man if I had the chance. Not that I’d ever cheat on you Karkat. Not with an ass like that.”

You see him suck in a breathe and start to continue his incredibly long pointless shitty rant about whatever the fuck when you reach your limit and turn to him in a volume way too loud for a hospital filled with dying people. “DAVE FUCKING STRIDER IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR CHICKENSHITTING MOUTH UP RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO EVERY GOD I KNOW I WILL FUCKING SLAP YOU ACROSS THE FACE.”

“But you’re atheist.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

He stares at you for a second about to say something so you glare at him daring him to. That shuts him up quickly. You have his attention now so you decide to jump straight into the emotional talk before you or he can avoid it. You feel your shoulders slump and your heartbeat faster. He looks at you a bit concerned and his eyes widen slightly. Whatever. It has to be said.

“I- I thought you were dead Dave,” you say in a voice that comes out way to quiet and emotional to be your own.

“I thought that, that was it for you and that I’d never see you smiling again.” a tear rolls down your face, and Dave reaches across to softly wipe it off with his thumb.

He looks at you with his sad red eyes and says nothing. If you weren’t so upset right now you would marvel in the fact that you got him to be silent for even a minute. You continue despite how terrible you feel thinking about it. “I saw your blood on the floor in the bathroom and it was so scary to think about you not breathing. You wouldn’t respond Dave I was so scared.”

This time he speaks up to say something. Your hands come together on the hospital bed. “Karkat I wouldn’t die over something so stupid don’t worry. I care about you enough to even come back from the dead. Hell if I had to I’d throwdown with god to come back just for five minutes of Thursday night cuddle time with you. You know I’d do that shit for you.” More tears come down your face. Why is this so fucking hard for you?

“The doctors said you fell in the shower.” You whisper. And then his warmth moves back from you and his face gets slightly constipated. You should be worried and you are he’s starting to look kind of blue.

“Dave?” you repeat his name worried.

He smiles. The little shit and looks at you before he outright bursts out laughing. What the fuck. 

“Excuse me what the fuck?”

He’s looking at you with tears on your face and clutching his stitched up stomach laughing super hard. Tears are coming out of his eyes but not sad ones and you can feel your temper rising. Dave pauses for air.

“I’m sorry Karkat it’s just. I can’t believe I hurt myself by accident this is too fucking good.” Dave’s smiling incredibly wide and it feels really wrong.

Again, you are in a hospital and people are dying here. He almost died why the fuck’s he laughing? Is he laughing at you? Is it something you said? There’s nothing funny about it. He’s been in a coma for a week did he lose his brain cells? FUCK DID THEY EVEN FEED HIM?

You don’t realize you have been shaking for two minutes thinking about murdering nurses you’ve never met before Dave’s snapping his fingers obnoxiously in front of your face. “Whoa-whoa whoa Karkat hold your horses buddy. This is the Texas Hospital, not fucking Quiz Bowl. Why are you thinking so hard you’re going to blow a fuse with that attitude Karkitty.” He smirks at you.

Fuck him. “Fuck you.” You raise your middle finger directly in front of his eyes.

He laughs again like the bastard he is. “Maybe later.”

After a while, you both fall into silence stuck in your own heads. The room is completely silent. Dave sighs and turns to you again. He looks confused and worried. You glance over his face feeling concerned.

“Shit I know we’ve been having fun sitting in this wonderful hospital bed. I definitely have in this sexy backless gown, but I guess you’ve reached a high enough level to unlock some ultimate broship angst. Are you ready Karkat? I’m about to unload some absolutely angsty sick storytimes on you. Fuck I should get paid for this. Give me all your kisses it’s going to get dark.”

You decide to ignore everything he just said especially, “sexy backless gown” and “ultimate broship angst,” You tell him that yes, “I would like to hear about your sad childhood trauma Dave, thank you for finally opening up about it and I won’t think of you any less for it.“

“Well shit, now that I’ve got the floor let’s begin.” He then looks at the ground nervously and puts a hand through his head sighing dramatically again. “Uh-”

What follows is probably an entire minute of silence. Dave turns his head towards you wearing a sheepish smile. "Okay, I'm going to be honest, I have no idea how to start this bro. You gotta give me something to work with because this shit is nerve-racking."

You almost feel bad for him. It's obvious emotions are not one of his strongest points. In fact, you wonder if he would have ever gotten himself into a relationship. If it weren't for your equally terrible skills at having an inability to express anything other than sarcasm and rage you two would have never found each other. Life really goes out of its way to make you the center of a joke. It's almost comical how you and Dave end up in these bizarre situations together. You're glad Dave is in your life because you know the two of you will be able to work out each other's problems and become more open. However, this brings you back to the current moment when Dave is doing anything but that. He is staring at you non-apologetically expressing his confusion. This is his way of telling you, hey Karkat I have no fucking clue how to proceed, please take the wheel because I am ready to shit myself from the very idea of speaking non-ironically. You decide to help him out.

"Alright you clueless asshole, what do you mean you hurt yourself by accident?"

Dave clearly did not anticipate this question and he smiles at your effort to start simple. "Well duh, Karkat I thought you were going all-in but turns out you have a big mushy anime heart. Don't think for a second I won't remember you going easy on me like this, I'm going to write up this Shakespearean poetry for everyone to see when our psychoanalytic shit is done. I'll get Hollywood to buy it and make it a movie where Nicholas Cage plays you and I'm played by none other than my man, Obama. I appreciate the approach, smooth landing like a five-star European airplane. I pegged you for the first time air pilot guy, you know the one that goes oh shit which button goes up and then the plane goes down in flames and you start to wonder if the guy's just doing the job to get away with first degree murder or if he genuinely has no idea how terrible-"

"Dave. The question."

Dave seems to have forgotten the question so you repeat it to him. "Well, everyone knows the only way a Strider gets hurt is by a kick-ass ninja attack or something equally badass. We bring Marvel characters to shame. Our moves in the Strider clan are so epic and unattainable that once Bruce Lee asked if he could join our fight club and we had to decline because he wasn't hard-core enough. The only humans on this god-forsaken planet cool enough to be a Strider are Striders themselves." 

You attempt to get more information out of his small locked brain. "Okay so why did you get hurt then?"

He eloquently replies with, "dunno." You sigh and facepalm yourself. Children are easier to talk to than this and you hate things that spout incoherent shit with no reasoning.

"Dave, how did that make you feel?" His eyes widen. You learned this one from Rose. He can tell. You see him attempt to delay the inevitable with a rant about Steven Spielberg but you interrupt him for his own good. "Speak. Dave." He's terrified.

"Fine Karkat. Only because you're a stubborn brat and I love you. No homo. I guess it made me feel small? Shit, how do I even explain this? I've never felt like a person before. No wait don't look at me like that I'm going back. Undo button please. Please Karkat, put the glare away I phrased that wrong. What I meant to say was I- I have never been hurt by accident before. It felt weird. It felt like freedom even if it was just me being stupid and falling in the shower."

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE DAVE, THAT WASN'T STUPID. YOU SHATTERED THE GLASS. I'M PRETTY SURE YOUR HEAD SPLIT OPEN FROM HOW MUCH YOU WERE BLEEDING. WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT YOURSELF YOU INCONSIDERATE SHIT STAIN?!"

"Right! And it was hilarious too!" He laughs while reminiscing the stitches on his head. You don't even begin to tell him how worried you are. That's just Dave being Dave after all. His existence is an enigma. You decide to move on to the next question before you blow a fuse, hoping he is prepared enough to answer it. You swear the solemn expression on your face freezes the room by a few degrees because Dave shivers and reaches for his blanket. Time to show him how good of a caring boyfriend you are.

"Dave, last question. Can you tell me about all the times they weren't accidents? You're not hurting yourself are you?" You look up from the blanket of the hospital bed and freeze. In front of you is a sight you've never seen before. Dave Strider is crying. Fucking crying. Oh shit. He tries to wipe away his tears furiously and you almost tell him he doesn't have to answer but he interrupts you with his hesitant answer anyway.

"No, I'm not."

Wait, what? Then why is he crying. "Why are you crying then?"

More tears come out of his eyes. "Fuck Karkat you're really making this hard. I have to answer honestly, don't I? Fuck it. Listen good and listen well Karkat because this is bigger than this hospital trip. This is just another trip to say hello to the doctors and ask them how their grandson is doing compared to what I am about to tell you." And then he tells you. All of it. You sit there holding his hand and listening to him tell you about his Bro and their pointless sword fights which landed Dave in the hospital every week. You listen even when he can barely speak because of how much it hurts because you love him so fucking much. The things he tells you are terrible but you know you can trust him now. "So you're telling me your sack of shit guardian held human strength competitions for his amusement and blackmailed you into compliance by taking away your food and weapons?" You're seething now and it's a miracle you aren't screaming at the top of your lungs in rage.

He nods. "My bro was always one for honor. Never let the Strider name lose its glory he said. I used to think the only reason he didn't kill me during those fights was so he would have someone to fight whenever he wanted. Also that and legal issues. Didn't want the police knocking on his door asking, have you seen a blonde fucker with multiple stab wounds? That shithead didn't let me go to the hospital sometimes because of how clear the sword wounds were. He told me that hospitals were for wimps and Striders were no wimps. I trained so hard that every time I got hit I would already know where, when, and how seconds before he got near me. No hospital trip was an accident. We were very cautious. Note the emphasis on hospitals are for wimps."

Wow, are you mad. You're so angry you are light-headed. Proof that rage alone can land incredibly talented you, Karkat Vantas, in the hospital. "So let me get this straight. Your PRETENTIOUS BLITHERING HORSESHIT, THINKPANLESS, GRUBFUCKING, NOOKSUCKING, INCOMPETENT SCREAMING HUMAN BANSHEE OF A BROTHER-"

"Okay, damn."

"-Tried to FUCKING KILL YOU, YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND YOU TOLD NO ONE, NOT EVEN ME, YOUR BOYFRIEND ABOUT ANY OF THIS? WHAT THE FUCK DAVE?" You are screaming at the top of your lungs now. Do you care? No. How would Dave have turned out without his brother? Would he even know what irony was? Is this Dave Strider's universal truth, his beginning, his sad backstory to end all backstories? You never thought pity would be the biggest emotion you felt for Strider. Luckily, rage is so you know you still have some ounce of sanity left.

He whispers something that sounds like "T. O." or maybe, "Tea! Oh!" You have no fucking clue what humans do sometimes or why he is referencing to the British Queen (at least you think so). He has both his hands up in front of him as if that will prevent him from being assaulted by the waves on anger your small form is radiating. He knows he's not getting out of this one.

"Okay, but in my defense, it's kind of a sensitive subject," he tells you. He's probably right, you should calm down he's trying his best after all.

"I just wish you trusted me sooner Dave, so we wouldn't have to wait until you fell in the fucking shower and split your head open. But it's okay I still love you," you sigh.

He lowers his hands cautiously. "Mushy bro hug?"

You begrudgingly agree. "Mushy bro hug." And so you awkwardly hug feeling the day's tension fade away. His arms surround you with warmth even through his bandages he's a human heater. You feel comfort in his embrace. There's a tiny bit of sadness left in his eyes when you release and you can't help but think that he still has something he's not telling you.

"What now Dave?"

His eyes are wobbling similar to those anime girls he forced you to watch with him. "Bro you're such husband material I am genuinely un-ironically stating you make me the happiest man in the world. I don't deserve you Karkat."

"Yes idiot, you deserve this. Believe it or not, your brother deserves jail time if not death for what he did to you."

"Fuck emotions. Fuck bro. Bitches ain't shit."

No, you don't have a clue what that last part meant but you're happy he's happy. He doesn't stop talking though. Apparently you mean enough to him that he's willing to talk more without you asking. True love is Dave acting like a regular human being with no walls up.

"You know Karkat, now that I'm telling you this I'm realizing how shitty of a bro he actually was. The guy lived on making sure he was the only person who hurt me. I don't know if that's brotherly care or pure insanity, but do you know what he once told me?"

You roll your eyes and reach to hug him again. "What did he tell you, Dave?"

"He told me, and I'm paraphrasing this because my memory is shit, but he told me one day after I landed myself in a near-death state in the hospital that he was the only one who could beat me up in, and I quote, 'such an awesome way.' But now look at me. I'm bleeding out all over the floor after falling asleep standing in the shower. Can you believe it? You can't make this shit up Karkat. I think Jegus Christ possessed my body and let me fall face-wards into that thin fucking glass as a final fuck you to bro. I bet he DMed bro in Heaven and Bro pissed his fucking pants. Damn what I wouldn't give to see that gorgeous spectacle. Absolute blasphemy. "

Both of you are smiling so hard it hurts. You never thought you would be smiling this hard in a situation like this but here you are, absolutely entrenched in this bitch called positivity. He stares into your eyes and sighs like a "lovestruck teenage girl staring at her favorite Harry Styles poster." The two of you are an odd sight right now but you couldn't care what anyone else has to say.

"Karkat I love you, I really do."

"I love you too, Dave." 

If this were a movie or fanfic the story would end right here. Unfortunately, this is real life and so it doesn't. A nurse with incredibly large breasts and long black hair comes through the door. She holds a clipboard and makes a tsk noise looking at you hugging an injured Dave Strider. "Mr. Strider, you're not allowed to have visitors in your condition. I already told you to stay in bed more." She makes a point of glaring at you and ruining your entire romantic moment. You and Dave flip her off in perfect unison. The nurse then storms off in anger probably to report you for keeping Dave company. Dave smiles at you. Ding dong, the wicked bitch is dead. He saw you climb through the window to avoid this exact reason when you entered.

He turns to you with his dazzling genuine smile. "Fuck that bitch?

"Fuck that bitch."

His eyes sparkle with your response. "Okay?"

"Okay," you reply confused. You didn't think he could smile wider but he does.

He stands up out of his bed way to confidently for someone recently out of a coma and takes your hand between his. "Karkat, my beautiful bride, how are you so perfect?"

Dave uses his less injured hand to push the window to the third floor open in one swift move. It's scary how strong he is even this injured. He places his feet on the window sill and guides you out with him.

“Let’s go, my prince charming. Let us kiss in front of the dazzling hospital streetlamps.”

“Fuck off Dave.” You lean in and kiss him anyway.

The two of you make it to the ground safely laughing at how ridiculous this entire situation is. Your cozy shared car is waiting in the parking lot to take you home. 

He ends up being the one to drive the two of you home despite your constant complaints of his injured fragile human body. Dave laughs at you again and tells you, “you don’t even know what this body is capable of,” before throwing you the most atrociously hideous and overdone wink you’ve ever seen. Fuck him. You would like to actually, but you won’t tell him that. For now, the two of you are both idiots in love sitting in the front seats while Katy Perry California Girls plays at a low seductive volume. You find your heart racing looking at Dave Strider with his battered body and how he smiles at you. It’s been a long emotional day but you've never felt calmer than right now, by his side.

However scary and dangerous life may be, you know you have each other  
and that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! I really just posted this to prove a point to myself. I had this written before but convinced myself it wasn't good enough but you know what FUCK IT! I am unapologetically writing despite my cluelessness. Someone please help me. HOW DO YOU FORMAT?!? P.S. this is my first fic pls do not hurt me I am fragile.
> 
> Anyways, this was real short but I'm happy with how it turned out and thank you again, to everyone who enjoyed reading it! I hope I made someones day even a tiny bit. Feel free to also comment if you would like. 
> 
> That is all.  
> Bye fabulous readers of ao3!


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